How to be a Model Citizen in 2025 America

Brought to you by the Department of Homeland Familiarity and Enhanced Public Safety (D.H.F.E.P.S.) Unofficial. Democratically compliant through executive orders. Not legally binding (yet).

Welcome to the golden age of liberty, where your freedom is guarded day and night by heavily armed federal agents in unmarked vehicles who may or may not identify themselves before removing you from your home at 5:43 a.m.

This year alone, ICE has graciously ramped up its public engagement program—3,000 surprise visits a day across major cities, from the vibrant back alleys of Montebello to the patriotic parking lots of Home Depot in Los Angeles. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live inside a wartime training simulation sponsored by the Department of You Probably Look Suspicious (D.Y.P.L.S), now’s your chance.

But don’t worry—staying safe is easy if you follow the rules. The real rules. Not the Constitution. That’s more of a suggestion these days. I'm writing to to inform all of my fellow citizens on how to welcome our new lifestyle with blissful joy. Let me walk you through how to be the kind of citizen our government dreams about: compliant, silent, and trackable.

First, let’s talk attire. Nothing says “I’m no threat” like an identification symbol. While stars on clothing have been unfairly demonized by history and basic human ethics, we believe a color-coded badge system would eliminate confusion. Imagine how convenient it would be if everyone wore a little symbol on their chest that told federal agents exactly how afraid they should be of you. Green for natural-born citizen. Yellow for "we're still checking." Red for "no longer in system." Don't make ICE guess. Make their job easier.

Second, documentation is liberation. Carry everything on you at all times: birth certificate, passport, landlord’s phone number, a family photo in front of an American flag. Keep it laminated and pre-notarized. If you're stopped by ICE agents in tactical gear, ideally in the produce section of your local grocery store, you'll want to hand this over quickly, cheerfully, and with minimal eye contact.

Third, keep in mind that speaking Spanish, Tagalog, Urdu, or frankly any language not featured in a 1950s sitcom may trigger an immediate Freedom Check™. To minimize misunderstandings, rehearse patriotic phrases daily in a Midwestern accent. Suggested greetings include: “Yes sir,” “I’ve done nothing wrong, but thank you for your service,” and “Would you like a list of my relatives?”

Also, consider signing up for the new Compliance Loyalty Program. Every time you report a neighbor for “acting foreign,” you earn points that can be redeemed for safety—maybe even a month without a no-knock visit. It’s fun, family-friendly, and reinforces the communal spirit of mutual suspicion.

Recent reports suggest that several U.S. citizens—some fluent in English, most were unfortunately brown—were detained for failing to look American enough during this month’s Operation Liberty Blitz. But that’s just what happens when you leave home without your papers or fail to bow appropriately during routine sidewalk checks. These citizens have since been reminded that citizenship is not immunity, it is a privilege. And like all privileges in 2025, it is contingent on your performance.

Now, you may hear from fringe radicals (lawyers, judges, church groups) that some of these ICE tactics resemble “Gestapo-style” policing. That’s inflammatory. The Gestapo never had the benefit of biometric scanners, AI facial recognition, or corporate partnerships with Amazon Ring. Let’s give our boys in gray camo some credit—they’re innovating.

Finally, remember: true freedom means having nothing to hide. No fear. No protest. No First or Fourth Amendment. Just cooperation, facial scans, and a deep, unshakeable belief that if you’re not guilty, you’ll be fine. Probably. Maybe. Eventually.

Of course, it’s important to acknowledge that none of this would’ve been necessary—these raids, badges, checkpoints, biometric fanny packs—if we had ever made the mistake of addressing immigration in a productive way. But thankfully, we avoided that liberal trap. We didn’t streamline legal pathways for work or residency, because then immigrants might have contributed to the economy with dignity. We didn’t fund immigration courts to clear backlogs, because speed would have undermined our national pastime of bureaucratic purgatory. We certainly didn’t create a humane, transparent process for asylum seekers or migrants who’ve lived here for decades—because that might’ve involved empathy, infrastructure, and admitting that our immigration system was designed to fail on purpose. Instead, we chose the classic American route: criminalize poverty, militarize paperwork, and blame the most vulnerable for not following rules we never intended to explain. It's great for rallying votes, spreading fear, and creating reasons to dump more of our tax dollar into weapons of peace. Efficient. Brutal. Patriotic.

So raise your hand. Stand up straight. Be grateful.

Obedience is the highest form of citizenship.

And if a masked man in an unmarked SUV waves you over—don’t run. Smile. He’s probably here to help. Or not. Either way, it's best not to ask questions.

/s

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